America’s Top Soccer Mom

There seems to be a reality show for just about everything. (I know, because my wife seems to watch them all…just kidding, honey).

But seriously does anyone care who is named “America’s Next Top Model”?  And has anyone who has been on that show actually become America’s next top model?  I don’t think so.

Have you actually seen clothing in a store made by a Project Runway winner?  Or how about some of those other reality knock-offs, like the ones about dancing, and Grease and bands?

Perhaps American Idol gets a pass, because most Americans do buy and listen to music.  But it also gets the blame for starting all this nonsense.  I’ll give Dancing With The Stars a pass to, because although it is a reality show, those people are at least already something of a celebrity, and it is surprisingly entertaining…and that Julia gal is gorgeous.  I realize that I’m blogging on a blog about Fat Chicks, but she does make a nice case for tight abs.  And the point isn’t whether you are thin or chunky, the point is that you are totally lovable for who you are, not what you weigh.

So on to my pitch for a show.  “America’s Top Soccer Mom”.

In this show, moms would have to compete in events such as getting the kids to school on time, putting on your makeup on the way to work, serving dinner that isn’t take out, getting their husbands to clean the house/yard.

Each week would be a different challenge such as “Your husband has to entertain very important clients, and their dinner reservations got cancelled because the CEO from Norway wants to eat a home cooked meal.  It’s 3pm.  The kids get out of school at 330.  Soccer practice is at 5.  The group of 8 will arrive for dinner at 630.”

Or perhaps…you have a mammogram at 4pm, your husband took your car (the one with the car seats), you need to get the 3 year old to the sitter, and get the 7 year old from school.  What do you do?

This would be good reality TV because it is reality.

The mom who can complete the challenge, get to all her appointments on time, hit the gym once and have sex with her husband all in a week, gets “immunity”…the other moms have to go to the PTA Meeting where the could get voted out of the neighborhood.

The World of Art

I was in Europe not too long ago…and spent too much time at museums.

Have you ever noticed that when all of these master painters (Da Vinci, Monet, Manet, etc), and even the not so famous guys were painting women…they were all painting chubby gals?

And how can I mention paintings of naked fat chicks, without mentioning Botticelli?

Definitely the style of the culture was different back then, and plumpness had an indication of being “middle class” or part of the aristocracy (as the poor people back in those days didn’t have enough to eat to be plump, but that story is for some political history blog).

Things have gotten so far out of whack these days.  Just think 40 or 50 years ago Marilyn Monroe was the hottest, sexiest thing on this earth…today would be too curvy to be a model.   People magazine (or one like it) would probably feature her on cover with unflattering photos of her butt in her swimsuit.  Playboy seems to have kept the curvy standard (although often it is surgically enhanced)…but the rest of the media has really moved on.

The sexiness of a curvy woman, really gets down to her womanliness.  Breasts and hips and that hourglass shape (even if the sand in the hour glass has shifted to the bottom), are physical qualities that are so innately femine and sexy, yet to look truly femine like that is to be “out of style”. 

Seriously, does anyone think that Nicole Ritchie (all 85 pounds of her) has a sexy body?  Really?  Now she has never claimed to be role model, and she shouldn’t be…yet there is enough media coverage of her (and others) that it makes them role models by default.  And how does this make women feel about their bodies?  As a guy, I have heard it a lot….and the conversation that starts “do these jeans make my butt look big?” simply can not go anywhere good.

Love your big butt.  We, as men do.  Actually, I think that other women do….at least in my non-scientific survey of the one lesbian that I know well enough to have this discussion….she has a thing for Marilyn Monroe too.  Ok, far from a meaningful survey…feel free to chime in!

The Shape of a Heart

Perhaps a few weeks ago (when it was Valentines Day) you saw quite a few hearts.

Have you ever noticed that when you draw a “heart”, it looks nothing like an actual heart?

But if you also look at the shape of a heart it does have a distinctly feminine curve to it.  In fact if you really look at it, what a “heart” shape resembles most is the shape of a woman’s hips and bottom when she’s bending over.  And that my friends is a sexy sight.

Why is this?  I have no idea.  In fact no one really seems to know, but there are a number of theories, none of which seem as plausible as this.  Other theories include breasts, prostate gland, the female pubic mound, and two lover kissing.  Now, I’m all in favor of breasts, but this still looks more like a butt to me.  I’ve never seen a prostate gland, and I doubt that the people who invented this symbol long ago had either.  Two lovers kissing??? Maybe, but I just don’t see it…that sounds like something that was overly romanticized later on.  A female pubic mound?  While the shape is right, I find it just a bit too much of a stretch to think that long ago people were drawing pubic mounds so openly and frequently. 

If you ever noticed those Valentine’s cards with the sassy coffee drinking people…they have overly elongated, skinny hearts.  Probably because they have a fear of plump bottoms.

The secret weapon for fat chicks

Did you know that you have a secret weapon?

It can make a man lose train of thought in the blink of an eye.

Cleavage.

You’ve got that.  Assuming that you want a man’s attention, use it.  That’s what it is there for (I mean really, what else are you going to do with it?)

One thing that I really see to often is when a women has put on a few extra pounds, she gives up.  Out come the sweats and colored t-shirts.

Seriously, the giving up, the sweats and the lame t-shirts are a far bigger turn-off to any guy then the 20 pounds that you put on.

If you’ve ever seen that show “What Not To Wear”, (and if you’ve seen it once, you know what happens in every episode)…it’s the same thing everytime.  A woman puts on a little weight, does everything wrong to hide it, gives up, quits wearing make up, and looks like the woman she never, ever wanted to be.

Confidence is supremely sexy.

As I guy I see these make over shows on every freaking channel…and they seem to be mentioned on the cover of half the magazines that my wife has around the house.

Here’s a little secret about why the magazines and TV shows recycle this theme……BECAUSE IT WORKS.

Secondly they can keep recycling it because 99% of the viewers/reader don’t take action.

Maybe you’re bummed because you don’t want to buy clothes that are really your size becuase that means admiting that you’re a size 12.  OR maybe you’re in the awkard place where you can’t really buy stuff at the regular store, now you have to go to Lane Bryant.

If you are looking to get a guy interested in you…or keep your spouse/significant other still interested in you, do up the hair and make up (we might comment, but we will notice, we SHOULD comment…I’ll talk to the guys about being better about this)…and get a new outfit that FITS, and shows some cleavage.

Walk in like that and with some confidence and you will get the attention that you want.

Why we love fat chicks

First off, I hope that the term ‘fat chicks’ is bothering anyone.  It’s just a lot easier to say, than “women with some meat on their bones” or “weight enhanced females”….and besides, I was never one for political correctness.

Who are these fat chicks that I am referring to?

Basically, I’m talking to the wives and mothers of America.  And if this applies to you as well…then great.

The biggest reason that men love fat chicks is simple.

BOOBS.

Secondly to that is Curves.

It’s really not that complicated to figure guys out.

There are lots of other reasons why love the chubby girls….I’m not going to list them all here…because it’s different from person to person.  Personality though is big one.  It’s a lot harder to find a stuck up biii-yatch who is also chubby.  Sense of humor…it’s the old cliche, but it rings pretty true.  Well okay that’s just 2 reasons…if I said everything here, there’d be nothing left for the next dozen posts.

So who is fat?

When I’m blogging about “fat chicks”, I really mean that large majority of women who are larger than the magazine says they should be…but haven’t been told by their doctor to lose weight.   

Well I suppose, saying “who is fat?” is a matter of personal opinion.  My opinion is that the media-saturated opinion is out of whack.

I recall long ago, that I learned (or perhaps this is just an urban myth that I believed), that in Texas to be a high school cheerleader if you were 5 feet tall, you had to weigh 100 pounds or less.  For each inch over 5 feet, you could add 5 pounds.

It’s been my experience that the average female American is about 5 foot 5.  So if I throw out numbers and weights, it’s with that height in mind.  If you’re 5′10″, obviously the numbers should be different.

So based on the above formula, the average American high school girl to be a “hot cheerleader” would need to weigh 125 or less.  But since we are talking about normal and not societies pressures.  Add 10 pounds.

You go to college, you get a freshman 15 (maybe you drop a few of those before graduating, maybe not)

Now you’re 23 with a job and a degree and weigh around 150.   Single people without kids have plenty of time to be at the gym…or playing rec league soccer or joining Team In Training or playing on the company softball team.  Lose 10 of those pounds.

Add one pound for each year of marriage.

Add 10 pounds for each child that you have.

If you’re at about that number, you should feel good about yourself…and not be tricked in thinking that just because Jennifer Aniston is 38, you need to be as skinny as her.  Face it, she’s a freak of nature.  You’re husband doesn’t look like Brad Pitt, and he probably no longer has six pack abs (if he ever had them), so don’t put the pressure on yourself.

Now conversely, if you’re pushing 200 pounds (again assuming a 5′5″ person), then there are some health concerns that come in to play.  Cholesterol, diabetes, lots of nasty stuff.  Obesity is not cool.  I’m not advocating that.  If you doctor has told you to lose weight, for the sake of all who love you, please drop a few lbs.  And keep in mind that you don’t need to go from 200 to 125….that’s a monster task….but 200 to 170, that’s a lot more managable. 

Open Letter To Fat Chicks

Despite what the media says, and despite the Hollywood obsession with being ridiculously thin, the fact remains that we, as American Men, love our women to have some meat on their bones.  Perhaps this is world wide, not just in America…but I’m just one guy, and I haven’t had this conversation with guys overseas.

 Now, there are degress of fatness, and every guy has his own tastes (of course)…but the unhealthy obsession with thinness is just out of control.

Women in this country need to learn that there is no good reason to starve yourself to get to be a size zero.  Okay perhaps some actress in Hollywood is getting $10 Million for this.  If you are an actress who does make that kind of money, and you’re reading this (and I doubt that you are), you are exempt from any of my rants.

Jennifer Love Hewitt was ridiculed by the media for being a size 2.  How sickly wrong is that?

Now if a celebrity wants to starve herself, that’s her business…but the example it sets and the message it sends (particularily to our youth) is very unhealthy.

And you know what….you’re husband is going to love you the same amount whether you lose 20 pounds (or whatever you’re obsessing about) just as much.  Because a curvy woman is sexy, and a stick figure is not.  Marilyn Monroe is (arguably) the sexiest woman in American history……but in today’s culture she would have been shunned for her figure.  Which is tragic, because she was gorgeous.

Wow, I intended to be much more encouraging than this post seems to be.  Check back for more encouragement!  Feel free to ask questions!

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